Helping someone that is in a troubled marriage may seem impossible or overwhelming. All Christians are called to bear each others burdens, weep and rejoice with others, disciple others, and many more one-another verses. Biblical Counselors are helpful in working through the complex issues within troubled marriages, but all Christians are called to participate in different ways. All marriages need Godly men and women to model right behavior and to walk alongside them in day-to-day life. If you have ever wondered How can I help someone with a troubled marriage, here are a few suggestions:
Listen and Hear Them Out
Even if their problems are extreme, do not overreact. Listen intently, sympathize with the difficulty of their situation, rejoice where the Lord is bringing about victory, understand where they are struggling, listen for gaps in their gospel theology. In this instance, you are embodying Christ for that person. When people confess sin or begin to ask for help they typically start off small and work towards a full acknowledgement of the situation. If you jump on the first topic they mention and provide a quick solution to their problems they may feel like you do not understand the difficulty and gravity of the situation. Imagine a medical doctor making a diagnosis. The patient starts off by saying that they have a headache so the doctor jumps in and says to drink plenty of water and take 2 Tylenol. That’s good advice in some cases, but what if the patient also had double vision, nausea, and and vertigo. These other symptoms point to a great problem. Proverbs 18:2 says that we are foolish if we do not first seek to understand. Do not be guilty of playing whack-a-mole with problems in someone’s life: When someone states a problem, you quickly jump in with what they should do or give a bible verse that they need to embody. Listen to them and be slow to speak lest you miss the real problems.
Look for Patterns and Cycles
After you have heard the person out and sufficiently understand their situation and how they are handling it, look for patterns and cycles. Instead of dealing with each problem individually, group them and deal with the heart of the problem. What are the top three areas of disagreement (sex, money, children)? Are their words that are constantly being used? What absolutes are being used (He always.. She never…)? What makes them angry? What emotions are being expressed? Do they deal with conflict? Are they modeling righteous behaviors or sinful behaviors? What drives them to sinful behavior? What areas are they failing to apply biblical wisdom to? Are there areas that start a sequence of events or downward spirals?
Normalize Struggles
Marital struggles are common to every marriage. When you put two sinners together there is bound to be disagreements, fights, strife, and trials. All marriages experience the same frustrations and quarrels to differing degrees. Most marital strife is centered on the ordinary, day to day frustrations of living with another sinner. One spouse is clean the other is messy; one freely expresses emotions, the other denies they even have emotions; one processes their conflict by verbalizing their thoughts, the other wants to be left alone. These are generalizations but God often brings two completely different people together. I believe in a complementary view of marriage, that God has made a man and woman distinct in their roles and gifting’s but equal in their worth. Our differences are often exacerbated by the fall. Our sinful nature uses our differences and makes them points of contention. Our differences cause division; but God has intended them to push us towards righteousness and wholeness in Christ. Look for ways to highlight and celebrate the diversity in the marriage and how it is a blessing.
Use negative examples in your life and current struggles. Guilt and shame can make us feel like no one else struggles in the same way that I struggle. Social Media heightens this with selective postings of only the good times and filters that everything look better than they really are. When you share your struggles with those in need, we show that we all need Christ in our lives. All sinners need Christ, and we are all sinners; therefore you need Christ just as much as the person you are trying to help. Use positive examples also, people need to have hope that things can change. It is important to celebrate victories in your life or in people’s life that you you. Too much of either positive or negative can present an unbalanced view of the Christian walk. We are all at different places but we all need Christ to grow us in our sanctification.
Gospel Gap
Many Christians experience what is known as a Gospel Gap. They believe the Bible and are sincere about following God’s wisdom but fail to understand how it applies to their situation. Their lives are not characterized by peaceful and loving relationships that seek to glorify God in their words and actions. There is a gap between their what they say they believe (professed theology) and their lives (practical theology. 2 Peter 1:8-9 says they are ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ and have forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. They live as if the Gospel had not rescued them from the bondage of sin and death. The Gospel does not just apply to the moment of salvation, but we are daily being transformed by the Gospel. God sent his son to be near to us, to suffer in every way. Christ Jesus lived the perfect, sinless life that we could not live to be the perfect sacrifice for our sins. He took our sins to the cross in death and freed us from the bondage of sin and death. He raised on the third day, triumphing over death; ascended to heaven and sits at the right hand of God interceding on our behalf. Each day we must reject the bandage of sin in our lives and live out our new reality in Christ. We are not the same person we once were but are being changed. We are justified and holy. Even though we are positionally right (justified) in Christ, we still have indwelling sin. This is often referred to as the tension of the already-but-not-yet. We are already fully forgiven and positionally righteous, but we are not yet free from the effects of sin (which will only come when Christ comes again and we are Glorified). What ways are they not living out the Gospel? How are they failing to see how the Gospel brings hope and freedom to their situation?
Speak Biblical Truth
Use Scripture to lovingly speak the truth to their situation. Use the Proverbs to apply Biblical wisdom to the situation. Use the Psalms to convey God’s emotion and heart. Use the biblical indicatives to show our identity in Christ and the imperatives to show how to live in a Christ-like way. Use the entirety of the Bible to apply to the specific needs situation. Truth must originate and flow from God’s wisdom, not man’s. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death” Proverbs 14:12. Biblical truth needs to be lived out also. This may mean applying biblical truth to the needs of the moment. Maybe they need a babysitter so they can go to counseling or on a date. They may need help with meals or rent. They may need an brief escape and time to rest.
Invite Others In
Do not feel like everything depends on your words to help the situation. While it is important to embody Christ in the situation, you are not alone. Collectively, the Church body is given the task of bearing each others burdens. God has placed pastors, elders, deacons, and church leaders in your life to walk alongside you. God has gifted Biblical Counselors to minister to people walking through sin, suffering, grief, or other struggles of life. Seek out faithful Biblical Counselors that will speak God’s truth in a compassionate and convicting manor. When you invite others in, it is not a punt (to use a football metaphor); it is bringing in other to join in ministering to those in need. Continue to meet with and walk along side of them and be committed to their long term growth and discipleship. Relationships are messy and have peaks and valleys. There will be times of growth and change. There will also be times of backsliding and rebellion. True friends will be there in the highs and lows. Walking with others will be imperfect and undoubtedly come with many mistakes. The Christian life is one of pursuing righteousness. When we fall short and sin, we confess to God and those involved; we repent and seek forgiveness.
Pray
Prayer is last on this list, not because it is the least important or should be done after everything else. We are called to pray without ceasing. Prayer reorients the heart and mind to a greater reality: God is in control, I am not. We are incapable of bringing about change in someone’s life without God working in them. Pray for understanding and wisdom to see the situation as God sees it. Pray for comfort and peace. Pray for the need of the moment.