Scripture speaks both of the blessing and troubles of marriage. Marriage is a part of God’s good plan for the world and one of the key ways that he accomplishes his goals in the world. One of the ways Scripture speaks of disfunction within marriage is a nagging wife. While husbands can certainly nag, complain, and display other sinful behaviors; Scripture has much to say about the nagging wife. A nagging wife critically finds fault with her husband (actions or attitude) and repeatedly vocalizes her displeasure through harsh criticism. Nagging may say things like. “I’ve told you a thousand times.” “We’ve talked about this.” “I guess I’m going to have to do it because you never…” Nagging shows a diminished view of the husband that fails to see him as a fellow image bearer. It demeans, belittles, and wears down the husband. Nagging takes on the job of the Holy Spirit in growing and convicting the husband. It subtly suggests that God will not deal with the husband, therefore, I must do it for God. Scripture does not mince words about a nagging wife, as I t says that it’s better to live in the corner of the roof or in a wasteland (Proverbs 21:9, 19).
Control
Nagging and control are often related. James 4:1 tells us that our fights are caused by our passions at war within ourselves. Other names for our passions are lusts, desires, passions, hope, dreams, goals. A controlling-heart desires specific outcomes, in our timing, often without having to do it ourselves. This might be desires for a clean house, well behaved kids, a husband that understands, rest after a difficult day. While these desires are not wrong in themselves, they may become disordered (in the wrong order of importance). They are disordered when we desire them so much that it drives us towards sinful thoughts and actions. In the case of a nagging wife, she often wants good and right things, but turns to unhelpful or sinful responses of nagging, grumbling, and a critical spirit.
Anger and Bitterness
Nagging is a form of anger. Robert D. Jones in his book Uprooting Anger defines anger as: “Our whole-person active response of negative moral judgment against a perceived evil.” Both our body and soul respond to our own judgement against someone or something that committed some sort of evil against us. Our countenances, tone, and mannerism change. Anger may be outward, explosive behavior or inward, poisonous bitterness. Nagging reveals what you value, are concerned about, what you are treasuring. When what you are treasuring is threatened, you respond by controlling and protecting. Bitterness is a settled anger; anger that has set in, lost hope. Bitterness effects your whole person; everything that you think, feel, and do. It can be difficult to even see how much it truly is affecting you. Bitterness whispers that lie in your ear that you are right to feel this way and right to treat others harshly.
Sin and Undesirable Behavior
There is a spectrum of behavior from righteous to sinful behavior. Our disagreements are not always black or white, sinful, or righteous; so it’s important to determine where they fall on this spectrum. On one end of the spectrum is Christ-like, righteous behavior. This is the right response to a given situation and glorifies God through the attitude, thoughts, tone, motive, and response. On the opposite end of spectrum is a wrong, harmful attitude, thought, tone, motive, or response that opposes God’s word, demeans fellow image bearers, or flows out of selfish ambition. In between these extremes are better and worse responses. A response that is not sinful may be an annoyance or undesirable to one person whereas it may be perfectly acceptable to another. You might have been raised where you do the laundry every day, or when there are no more clothes to wear. You might think it’s acceptable to question or argue with your parents or would not dare to question their decisions. In marriage, it is important to determine what behaviors are acceptable and what is not. Obviously, sinful behavior is always wrong, but pet peeves and annoying behaviors need to be worked through with grace and humility. An undesirable behavior is an action that an individual in their own opinion disagrees with, is repulsed by, or is annoyed with but others find perfectly acceptable. These disagreements need to be held in perspective. There will usually be undesirable behaviors anytime two sinners are in close relationship to each other especially when there are different cultures, habits, and values involved. Some undesirable behaviors may quickly be resolved, while others take a lifetime.
Grace Filled Accountability
One of the reasons God instituted marriage is for accountability and conviction. Wives are sisters in Christ, who have the Holy Spirit inside of them, guiding and convicting them. It is good and right for a wife to graciously and humbly call out sin in her husband’s life. In doing this, she must consider Galatians 6:1-3, “Brothers [and sisters], if anyone [including your husband] is caught in any transgression [sin], you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself” [author’s additions for emphasis]. There is a warning in this passage. Sometimes we have right motives in addressing sin but do so in a sinful way or in a way that is incapable of leading the sinner towards repentance. A righteous wife is one that is willing to bear her husband’s burdens by helping him repent and walk in freedom from sin thereby fulfilling the law of Christ.
Helper not Holy Spirit
Some subjects may be so contentious, that a wife is unable to address it with her husband. This may be from prolonged periods of nagging, or stubborn rebellion of the husband. First Peter 3:1-2 ESV encourages wives, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” The likewise at the beginning of this passage refers to the way Christ righteously suffered on our behalf even though he was innocent (1 Peter 2:21-25). Whether your husband is a Christian or not, he may be won over by your pure conduct. As Christians, we are able to call out sinful behavior, speak Scripture over a situation, and give wise counsel; but we are incapable of changing other person’s hearts. This is a work of the Holy Spirit. Wives, you are not the Holy Spirit. It is not your responsibility to change your husband even though God often does use you. In Spite of your husband’s actions, you are called to live a life that brings glory to God in your whole person (all of your thoughts, motives, feelings, and actions). Many fights drag on because both the husband and wife continue to sin through slander, malice, and other harmful behaviors. In order to break the cycles, you must be willing to die to self, refuse to engage in sinful behavior and work diligently towards growing yourself and your husband in maturity. Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.” I am not saying to be passive, aloof, or uncaring. You are to be diligent in your conduct and approach. Know your husband and help lead him towards living a righteous life in Christ.
Pray for your Husband
Pray without ceasing for your husband. Do not only pray for his faults and shortcomings. Pray for his sanctification, maturity, and faith. Thank God for how he uniquely made your husband. Ask for understanding and wisdom to draw out your husband’s strengths so that he may glorify God. Pray for your heart, that you would be pure in your approach. Thank God for the work he will do in you and in your marriage.
Give Grace
Nagging is critical, combative, and cynical; this is not from the hope that we have in Christ! Ephesians 2:1-10 reminds us of the grace God gave to us even though we were “by nature children of wrath.” We did not deserve the grace that God bestowed upon us. It was not because of our good works, but because of the great love that he loved us with. Likewise, wife must show their husband this immeasurable love through grace. Ephesians 4 gives us many truths on growing in our maturity and love. In verse 15-16, it says that we grow more like Christ when others speak the truth in love. Truth in love is more than just truthful words, it is speaking the gospel into every situation. It provides hope for change that is based in our ultimate good found in Christ. Verse 29 goes on to encourage us to build each other up as fits the occasion. This is not a false praise but targeted encouragement towards right behavior and hope for a changed heart.
Dealing with Conflict
To rid your heart of nagging, it’s important to deal with the conflict driving the heart beliefs and anger. The first step in dealing with conflict is to determine if it needs to be dealt with. Proverbs 19:11 says that “it is his glory to overlook an offense.” Some behaviors and sins do not need to worked through but can be overlooked or covered. These are sins that one-time occurrences, minor actions that do not reflect a deeper problem, and annoyances that we don’t necessarily agree with. More often than not, though, we must deal with sin and conflict. If you have not dealt with conflict for a long period of time, it can be difficult to start. Similar to cleaning a house that has not been cleaned in years, there is going to be some rot and stubborn stains.
It’s helpful to make a list of items that need to be dealt with. Include, to the best of your ability, your own shortcomings and sinfulness. Organize your list in common patterns and cycles. Order the list in areas that are the most destructive, or sinful. List Scripture that applies to each item, especially when dealing with sin. Address beliefs of the heart as well as actions. Pray over each area before speaking to your spouse.
Start and end the conversation with a commitment towards the relationship and to address each area with grace and in a way that honors God. Be open to each other’s perspective and differences. Do not slander or be malicious in the way you speak towards each other. Avoid absolutes (always, never, every time). This may take some practice, but God has called us to be ambassadors of reconciliation. Turning sinful hearts towards repentance and new life found in Christ. If you continue to struggle, it’s helpful to have a local biblical counselor or unbiased friend to help mediate the conversation.