A passive husband is usually a good, likeable guy, but fails to live up to the high calling God has for his life. Passive husbands are characterized by an accepting or allowing outcomes without an active response or resistance. This may be the workaholic husband that checks out at home by indulging in sports, social media, or hobbies (Escapism). It may be that the husband just goes with the flow to the point that he doesn’t make any decisions or help in any impactful way. It may be that the husband is so afraid to make a mistake that he just gives up. While the husband’s actions may not be outright sinful, his inaction to fulfil his God-given role is sinful. Proverbs 24:30-34 gives us a picture of the passive husband. It uses words like sluggard, lazy, and lacking sense. Because of his inaction, his life is falling apart. His work is fruitless, his family is unprotected, and he will soon be left with nothing. Proverbs 18:9 says the passive man actively participates in his own destruction. Failing to make decisions, is a decision to be absent, unhelpful, and destructive.
There are two sinful extremes that a wife may develop in responding to a passive husband: Domineering or Enabling. She may rightly see her husband’s passivity as sinful but respond by taking up his role as leader. This may even get to the point where she becomes bitter and controlling of the relationship. Instead of holding her husband to a high standard, she holds him to impossible standards which reinforce his passivity. Even times that he tries to fulfil his role as husband and father is met with skepticism and criticism. The opposite extreme of domineering is enabling the sinful passivity. The intention may be to be submissive and allow the husband to rise to the occasion but may end up removing the incentive and accountably he needs to change. The enabler also excuses and covers up the passivity through sayings such as “he works so hard to provide for his family,” or “I’m letting go and allowing God convict him.” This too leads to a wife who is bitter and feels hopeless.
Man’s Role
God created man and woman in his image to have equal value, dignity and identity. They were created distinct and given specific roles to fulfil but together, they are given the responsibility to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it (Genesis 1:28).” He placed man in the garden to “work it and keep it (Genesis 2:15).” These two mandates speak of God’s initial plan for man to both be kings and priests (Exodus 19:6, 1 Peter 2:9, Revelation 1:6). God’s plan for men is frustrated by the Fall (Genesis 3), but it is still God’s intention for men to be servant leaders and spiritual leaders.
In contrast to the passive husband, men are called to be active, intentional husbands. In everything he does, he should bring glory to God (Colossians 3:23, 1 Corinthians 10:31). He doesn’t let life happen to him but serves to cultivate his family, work, and relationships. The first place that married men are called to fulfil these roles is within the home. The qualifications to be a leader within the church requires men to “manage his own household well” (1 Timothy 3:4). A husband should be the leader of the family. This does not mean that he controls everything as a despot by doing what serves himself best. To be a servant leader means that he knows his family and is active in their lives. It means that he takes into account what is best for the family and is responsible for promoting the wellbeing of each individual. He is to be the Spiritual leader of the family by encouraging and modeling spiritual disciplines such as Bible reading, study, prayer, confession, forgiveness, and faithful obedience to Scripture. This does not mean that he must be a theologian who is capable of answering every question. It means that he must be continually growing and cultivating his faith, as well as his family’s. A husband must provide for his family the best that he can (1 Timothy 5:8). He may not be able to give his family everything they desire but should work diligently to provide for his family’s needs. A husband and father seeks to protect his family both physically and spiritually. As a father, you quickly learn that all children are uniquely made and gifted. Each child has their own personality, temperament, weaknesses and giftings. He must identify these distinctives and use them to guide and equip his children to glorify God.
It is not easy to be an active, intentional husband. He will surely fail in many ways and many times. The goal is not perfection but progress. It does not matter where he is right now but that he is continually striving for growth in his faith and obedience to the high calling God has for his life. Six months from now, he should not be the same as he is today. Years from now you should be able to look back and see the growth in his life. This is a slow process that will have its highs and lows.
That sounds great, but how do you go from a passive husband to one that gives God glory in all aspects of his life. First Thessalonians 5:14 lays out three key principles “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”
Admonish the Idle
It is important to never call that which is evil – good. It is good and right to call passivity – sinful and wrong. We admonish the idle in a God honoring way (Galatians 6:1) lest we also sin in our rebuke. We must also deal with the bitterness and frustration that has built up in our hearts. It’s possible to say all of the right words in admonishing others, but with a heart that is bent towards sin by using words that are heartless, calloused, and self-serving. This falls short of God’s call on our own lives. Instead, we are to do everything out of love for others by speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15-16). This admonishing leads to growing in every way into Christlikeness. This means that we must deal with conflict as it comes up. Conflict is an opportunity to promote unity and grow in knowledge and trust in each other.
Encourage the Fainthearted, Help the Weak
We are called to encourage each other, especially the fainthearted and weak. The passive husband may be browbeaten and belittled to the point of hopelessness. Every time he tries or puts his effort into something, he is met with severe opposition and disapproval. He is left hopeless and only able to see a false dichotomy: He can try, fail, and face the degradation and humiliation that comes with it; or he can remain passive and possibly avoid any additional disgrace. Just imagine if Christ pointed out all of the times we fail and humiliated us. Thankfully, he came to us at our worst; in our sinfulness (Romans 5:8). He does not snuff out the smoldering wick or break the bruised reed (Isaiah 42:3). We must encourage righteous behaviors and provide hope for change. Every effort should be made to point out any progress and growth.
Be Patient with Them All
Growth in sanctification requires patience. Healthy relationships are marked by accountability, grace, and longsuffering. The domineering spouse must give grace to allow room for change while providing realistic accountability. The enabling wife must give firm accountability while giving grace in letting go of the bitterness and putting her hope in Christ. The passive husband will not change overnight. It takes consistency through action to change the relationship. The beauty of Gospel change is that we do not do it alone. We partner with the Holy Spirit to bring about change in our lives. We pray to the Father, by the power of the Holy Spirt through Christ’s mediation. If it were left up to the passive husband to change himself, he will undoubtedly fail. Both the passive husband and his spouse need to put their hope in their savior who if faithful to bring about good in their challenging situation.
How has a passive husband, father, or your own passivity affected you?
Do you find yourself feeling hopeless that things will never change?