Restorative Separation is a temporary arrangement between spouses where spouses temporarily reside in different locations to provide a safe environment and opportunity to work on problems with the goal reconciliation. It is a process that should not be entered into lightly and may have legal consequences should you proceed to divorce. Biblical restorative separation is a process of removing oneself from sin and dysfunction (James 1:27, Matthew 5:13-16) and choosing not to participate or enable this sin and dysfunction for a period of time with the goal of restoring the marriage to God’s intent in marriage.
Restorative Separation may be necessary to create a safe environment in cases of abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, ect) or extreme dysfunction (perpetual fighting, infidelity, inability to work together for simple tasks). It is not a loving act to remain in abusive situations, the heart issues behind the abuse and dysfunction must be addressed. As Christians, the most loving thing we can do is to drag sin into the light to give opportunity for confession, repentance, and restoration. Restorative Separation may also be necessary to address unresolved conflict leading to extreme dysfunction. Conflict does not go away on its own and has a tendency to build towards an explosive exchange towards spouses.
Restoring a marriage is analogous to restoring a car. It is the slow process of repairing the damage done throughout the years. Banging out a dent here, welding a patch there, cleaning out the gunk that built up within the engine in order to make it like new, restored. However, the final restoration point that God is working towards isn’t our wedding night or the best time within our marriage. The restoration point is found before the rebellion of man into sin, it is God’s good plan of marriage (Gen 2:24-25). We image his unity within the Trinity in our marriage by being fully known and not ashamed as we fellowship with God.
Put Your Hope in Christ
I have seen many marriages restored even when separated, pursuing divorce and even after divorce. I believe God does desire to heal your marriage. These restored marriages are not a return to the way things were, but a marriage marked by unity, joy, love and forgiveness. The bible does not guarantee every marriage will be restored. Rather than placing your hope in a restored marriage, place your hope in Christ. If we place our hope in anything in this world, even good things, we are bound to get hurt since they are all passing away (1 John 2:17).
Remain Committed to Restoration
Even if your spouse is not honoring your martial vows, you will have to answer to God for your actions. Adding sin upon sin causes much devastation, especially towards the children that are caught in the middle of the separation. The goal of separation is restoring and redeeming of the marriage back to God’s intention of marriage set forth in Genesis 2:24 and demonstrated throughout the bible. The main picture here is the one-flesh union. Marriage should be unifying and pursue peace through unity. This unity is only possible when both spouses commit to becoming more Christlike in their thoughts, emotions, and actions.
A separation is not a divorce or a trial-divorce. The one-flesh, covenantal union between a man and wife is still present in the eyes of the Lord and civil authorities. It is not a license to do whatever the spouse desires or what they did while single. It also still requires caring for and providing for our spouses and children. This is most evident in a single income household. The sole provider still has a financial obligation to their spouse and children that may also have legal implications.
Timeframe
Restorative Separation should be for a given period of time and as short as possible. It must give opportunity to discern true repentance and determine health of relationship. The timeframe should account for the severity of dysfunction within a marriage, financial situation, emotional health, and ability to work through conflict. True change takes time as the Lord puts to death our sinful desires and brings to life new spiritual life (Col 3:1-17).
Once the decision to separate is made, it typically requires 4 to 8 weeks of biblical counseling to sufficiently understand the marital conflict in order to provide a recommendation to reconcile. An abusive relationship may require 6 months to 2 years or more of separation to sufficiently deal with the heart issues behind the abuse before it is safe to reconcile. Seek Godly counsel before reconciling to determine if the time is right. Sometimes it makes sense to provide a firm date of reconciliation, such as when it requires signing a lease, but typically requires discernment and for each spouse to demonstrate growth and change. As such, the date of reconciliation is variable and may change based on the circumstances.
Complete healing does not need to be achieved before reconciling. Thankfully God does not require us to have our act together before he will work with us. Likewise, we should move toward reconciliation when main issues are being addressed and it is healthy to do so. This may be a phased, or progressive approach; such as: go on a date, sit together at church, eat dinner at home, one spouse sleep on couch or spare room, ect. This process may be one step forward, two steps back as you continue to work on restoring your marriage.
Make Logistical Arrangements
Being married requires many logistical arrangements and decisions that must be made on a day to day basis. It is important to discuss these things initially and revisit them periodically. Separation typically involves one spouse temporarily residing somewhere else for a period of time. Both spouses must be aware that financial sacrifices are likely required to sustain these living arrangements. Work out payments of debts and bills, reasonable expenses, and budget. This is not the time to run off and spend a bunch of money, that only makes things more difficult and only provides temporary pleasure; so avoid unnecessary or excessive purchases.
Children know more and feel more than they will let you know. Marital conflict and separation effects children in various ways. If possible, both parents should have access and regular communication with children. It is never permissible to knowingly endanger a child so this may not be possible if abuse is involved. It is impossible to be perfectly fair to all parties, put your children’s needs before your own and work out the best possible solution. When talking to children about the separation, it is important to strike a balance between providing hope and the reality that not all marriages are reconciled. Children need to understand that it is not their fault and that they are still loved by both parents. This could not be said enough to them.
Regular Communication
Regular healthy communication should be a top goal while separated. If possible, all communication should be through face-to-face, or phone. In cases of abuse or the inability to have a conversation without fighting, communication should be limited to written or brief discussions about logistics (Children, financial requirements, ect). It may be necessary to include a mediator within the discussion, see Seek Godly Community section below.
Lists are help in identifying behaviors but can also be used to justify sinful behavior. The lists below are not exhaustive and should be used as a guide to address the underlying heart conditions feeding the behavior. Most couples list communication as their top problem. Communication is the symptom of a deeper heart issue. If you train spouses how to fight fair but fail to address the heart issues, it will result in more cordial, pleasant conversations with just as much malice and spite behind the words. The attacks become more subtle and passive-aggressive, but they are still just as damaging. If you have unhealthy communication traits, ask yourself what emotions am I feeling, what am I believing in the moment, and what do my actions say about me? Hint… The problem is not your spouse. They may influence your actions but they do not determine them.
Examples of unhealthy communication include:
- Threats (physical, emotional, threats of divorce, or other uses of manipulation)
- Forms of aggression (hitting or throwing objects, slamming doors, clenching fists)
- Yelling or escalation without resolution or times of de-escalation
- Lying or exaggerating to prove a point (a lie may be untruthful or fail to acknowledge the full truth)
- Name calling, belittling, and profanity (to include generalizations: you always…, identity statements: You are a ____ and will always be a ____…)
- Unhealthy communication with children present or using children as leverage
- Provoking spouse to anger (knowingly pushing their buttons)
- Harsh tones and mannerisms (Sometimes its not what you said but how you said it)
- Ignoring or belittling emotions or feelings (mainly men towards women, but men have emotions too. Anger is an emotion and usually follows after hurting a man’s “feelings”)
- Blame shifting, failing to own sin, jumping between topics without a resolution
- Inappropriate times (late at night, during work hours, children’s sporting events, ect)
- Repetitive calling or texting (Blowing up the phone)
- Withholding communication or silent treatment as a punishment
Examples of healthy communication include:
- Communication that you would not be embarrassed if your children, parent, preacher, or close friend witnessed
- Discussing conflict and problems before they become major issues
- Apologizing when wrong and owning our own responses (Sin does not justify sin, of a spouse is lying or using inappropriate language, it is not an excuse to retaliate. If they own 75% of the blame, own your 25% and allow the Spirit to convict them)
- Discussing your own faults and not your spouses
- Asking for time to think or calm down (Marital issues are tough and tempers flair in all marriages, at times it may be necessary to ask for some time to calm down. This does not end the discussion, it must be revisited at a later time)
- Acknowledging growth and change in you spouse’s life and actions (I snapped at you and you didn’t respond, I can see that God is working on your anger)
- Acknowledging what you both can agree upon (Sometimes we focus on one small detail when both spouses agree about 95% of what was said)
- Concluding a conversation with affirmation of commitment and hope (I love you, we will get through this, this is temporary, I miss you)
Sever Close Relationships with Opposite Sex
God has given us a desire to be with the opposite sex. This is more than just a sexual attraction. We are made for relationship as men and women created in the image of God. God eternally exists in relationship. The Father with the Son with the Holy Spirit, in perfect harmony. When a husband or wife desires separation and/or divorce, there is often someone else in the picture. It’s hard to work on rebuilding a marriage, if your time, emotions, fantasies, and attention goes to someone else. This does not only include sexual affairs but also includes emotional affairs or “close” friendships. Sometimes we substitute the intimacy for our spouses for close friends. Instead of discussing the day to day events and emotions with our spouse, we find ourselves pouring into others. Understand this natural desire and redirect it towards reconciliation with your spouse.
Seek Godly Community
The world does not value marriage in the same way that Christians do. The wisdom of the Western world is individualistic and hedonistic. The world focuses on “self.” What is best for you and what makes you happy; but this worldly “happiness” is fleeting and cannot satisfy. While God is concerned about your happiness, he is more concerned with your holiness. Since God created the world, he knows best how to find true joy.
Jeremiah 17:9 says our hearts are deceitful and we cannot know it. Often times we fail to see our own sin and faults even though they are clear to others. Find a Biblical Counselor, Pastor, Elder, friend(s), and/or family that you trust enough to tell you the truth and speak wisdom into your situation. They can point out areas that we are blind to. Find those that are willing to walk with you for months or years as you pursue reconciliation and restoration. Seek out the people that are willing to speak the truth in love to you (Eph. 4:15). The truth mentioned in Ephesians 4 is THE truth, the good news of the Gospel; understanding how God came to redeem us from our brokenness and sin within this fallen world.
Intimacy
Discuss with your spouse whether physical and/or sexual intimacy is appropriate. Be clear and revise this topic as reconciliation progresses. The desire for intimacy in marriage is a God given desire that should not be neglected (1 Cor. 7:5). The further we distance ourselves from our spouses physically and emotionally, the easier it becomes to divorce. Intimacy is difficult to restore once it is broken. It is normal for one or both spouses to not desire any intimacy when experiencing difficulties in marriage. Be patient with your spouse and continue to communicate where you are in your desire for intimacy. Continue to pray for your heart towards the matter and God will be faithful to meet you where you are.
Do Not Lose Heart
In preparation for this, I did much research on separation and divorce. I noticed that I began to get ads for divorce attorneys and like services. We must not forget that we have a very real enemy in the world who desires your marriage and witness to fail. It may seem like everything is against you and divorce is the best option. It is not the easy way out and often requires you to work with your ex for the rest of your life under less than ideal circumstances.
Be patiently committed to restoration. We have a God of reconciliation who did not leave us in our sin and mess (Psalm 40:2). There was nothing in us that deserved his mercy, but he came into this broken world and paid the price that we could never pay. He first loved us, therefore we can extend that love to those that do not deserve our love (Matt 18:21-35). No one is beyond his reach and no marriage is too far gone. Put your hope in Christ and delight in the truth found in Scripture. I can’t guarantee every marriage will be saved, to do so would be a failure to understand the sinfulness of our hearts. What I can say is that God will meet you where you are, and you can have a peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:7). The world may be falling apart but fix your eye on the Lord and he will carry you through this.