Please Stop Recommending Divorce…
Many times I have sat with couples that have no hope for their marriage after trying to make it work for years. They have done everything they know how to do but nothing seems to change. “I’ve tried counseling, I’ve tried marriage retreats. Things got a little better but then just went back to where they were before.” When I ask about why they stopped counseling, I often hear that their Christian counselor recommended divorce. This is still shocking to me. People do not go to counseling to get help with a divorce. They come for reconciliation, and help navigating their problems. This requires heart change; not quick fixes.
Dear Christian Counselor, if your counsel has stalled or you are not equipped to help the couple, the answer is not be divorce. Do not discount the beauty of reconciliation that is found in restoring marriages.
Christian Counseling is an ambiguous term. There is no rules, laws, certificates or guidelines required for those using the terms Faith-based, Christian, Biblical, or other like adjectives describing the type of counseling. It is left up to the individual counselor to determine how to apply Christian principles and faith into their counseling. In the case of licensed professional counselors (LPC), there are conflicting priorities, laws, and ethical decisions that impact the application of Scripture to situations. Also, there is no theological education requirement to call yourself a Christian counselor. This may mean that the counselor does not understand what Scripture truly says about divorce. I consider myself a Biblical Counselor but am not apposed to calling myself a Christian Counselor. I am seminary trained both in counseling and theology. Following Scripture and faithful obedience to Christ is the main focus of my counsel. As such, I do not advocate for divorce, see further discussion below.
What does the Bible say about Marriage
Before looking at divorce, its important to understand what the Bible says about marriage. Scripture defines marriage as a conventional, lifelong, monogamous relationship between a man and a woman. God instituted marriage and God rightly defines marriage as a one-flesh union (Genesis 2:24). Marriage is God’s good plan to be fruitful fill the earth and subdue it (Gen 1:28, Proverbs 18:22). Marriage reflects the mystical union between Christ and believers and serves to grow the husband and wife in righteousness. We grow in righteousness as we die to self and live for Christ.
Marriage is built upon a covenant (Malachi 2:13-16). Unlike a contract that sets out conditions and expected behaviors; covenant says I will love you and do what is best for you regardless of how you act or what you do. To understand this kind of love, we must understand God’s love for us. In spite of our rebellion and failures, God loved us enough to bring about reconciliation through his son, Jesus. Likewise, in spite of what my spouse does or how they act, I can love them because of what Christ has done for me. This does not mean that we do not address sinful behavior. Confronting sin is one of the most loving things we can do but it must be done in a loving and gentle way (Galatians 6:1).
The Bible is clear that divorce is not God’s plan but occurs because of the hardness of our sinful hearts (Matthew 19:8). Because of the Fall of Genesis 3, we are all sinners. It is because of this sin “those who marry will have worldly troubles (1 Corinthians 7:28).” These troubles (annoyances, conflicts, problems, sin, suffering, trials, ect) give opportunities to grow closer together and embody Christ to our spouses. When one or both spouses do not submit to God’s good gift of marriage, then sin and suffering abounds. This makes marriage incredibly difficult and unbearable.
What does the Bible say about Divorce
While affirming a high view of marriage, both Jesus and Paul give conditions where divorce is permitted. When questioned by the Pharisees (Matthew 19:4-6), Jesus reaffirms God’s intention for marriage from Genesis 1:27, and 2:24 by stating, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” God never intended this one-flesh union to be separated. When looking at the Old Testament, divorce seems to be allowed; Deuteronomy 24:1-4 provides an example of how this is regulated. However, the Old Testament does not mention adultery as a reason for divorce; probably because the punishment for adultery was death (Leviticus 20:10; Deuteronomy 22:22).
Jesus discusses divorce in Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:2-9, Mark 10:11-12 and Luke 16:18. The main difference in these accounts is the exception clause which is only found in Matthew, “except on the ground of sexual immorality.” Immediately following the exception clause is a statement about remarriage. This seems to imply remarriage is permissible in the case of sexual immorality. I interpret this to mean a continual, unrepentant form of serious sexual immorality and that divorce is not required, but is an option.
Paul references circumstances in which divorce is permitted in 1 Corinthians 7:15, “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” This seems to indicate that abandonment of the marital union by an unbelieving spouse makes divorce permissible. This passage is where much of the debate arises. Some take “In such cases…” to mean that in cases that are similar in severity to abandonment and sexual immorality. This may include cases of abuse but may open the door for divorce for any reason.
When dealing with marital problems that are severe enough to bring up the discussion of Biblical grounds for divorce, things get messy and difficult. There is often infidelity, abuse, or years of neglect involved. Every situation is different and it can be difficult determining in divorce is permissible Biblically. But if you are a Christian or Biblical counselor divorce should not be encouraged. Restorative Separation may be a temporary option if there is a concern for the physical wellbeing or to give a reprieve from excessive fighting in order to begin working on the issues. Help the counselee work through the heart issues behind the conflicts and disagreements. Turn their hearts toward serving the Kingdom of God rather than their personal kingdoms. In everything that has Bible or Christ as a description, it must follow the authoritative Word of God and seek to conform us into Christ’s image.